[=] What would make a cleric shoot an alchemist? [=]

A story about the Brown Witch trying to convince the Black Witch to bust a cap on her.

Click here to go back to Stories.

~ At the Brown Witch's home, near sunset ~

A tall man stood before a small girl wearing glasses. The man had a cone shaped hat with it's tip standing tall, the band around it holding shotgun shells; the front marked by a crucifix embedded there.

He hid the body under his head with a cloak that was pitch-black, his hat having the same color. At the end of the robe were gold colored trimmings.

"... why, though?" Despite his ominous appearance, packaged together with a face hidden in the shadows by the hat's brim was... a rather average voice, with a tint of softness; must not be older than the 30s. He squints his golden eyes that pierced through the darkness, clearly struggling to process something.

This was the Black Witch; the Gospel of Gunpowder. An immortal magician tasked with studying Therugy.

"No customers today, and ehhh... I don't feel like doing my tasks." replied the small girl. Not even halfway to being 6ft tall, wearing a brown, droopy cone hat instead of the tall man's pitch black- a color reminiscent of gunpowder.

"So I thought we could talk on a random topic! And this is what came to my head, ya know?" Unlike the tall man, she lacked a robe; instead, she had her glasses as mentioned, alongside an orange scarf and a yellow sweater.

"And well, here we are now! Trying to figure out what would make you shoot me." The yellow sweater had an orange heart shape sewed onto it. At the end of it's arms were brown gloves, and below it were brown shoes and orange pants, held together by a belt.

And this was the Brown Witch; the Preservation of the Fine Art of Alchemy. An immortal magician tasked with studying... Look, you already know, alright?

Both of them stood in a living quarters of sorts; a nice fireplace finished off a cozy-looking room that had mundane luxuries, such as a carpet, a bookshelf and a stylish seat with a curved back.

"This... is confusing. I wouldn’t shoot you here, and even if I did, you would just come back, so why ask this?" spoke the Black Witch. The alchemist put her hand to her chin. brushing her hair that doesn't make it halfway to her back.

"Not in this situation, no~" replied the Brown Witch.

"What do you mean?" If the Black Witch's face was visible, the Brown With would see him raising an eyebrow.

"Imagine if say, I... made soy milk in my cauldron. Except I dipped actual soy sauce into the milk! Would that make you shoot me?"

"No, I won't. Also, that's disgusting."

"Hm..." The Brown Witch frowns; she's gonna have to come up with something better than that.

"What if I throw your hat in the cauldron then? Would that convince you to shoot me?"

"First of all, I would question why in the Gods' name would you do that."

"I would then leave your house annoyed, and certainly would try to dry my hat."

The Brown Witch once more puts her hand on her chin, before snapping her fingers shortly after. *This* is the stroke of genius that she awaited for.

"BUT! What if the cauldron had the soy milk I mentioned? What then?"

The Black Witch sighs.

"Congratulations, you mixed disgust with annoyance. What an alchemical prodigy you are."

The girl groaned in a mix of defeat and not having anything to strike back against the snark.

"Come on, give me a hint!" she exclaimed, throwing her hand forwards in agitation.

"If you really are going to keep asking me, then let me take a seat first."

"Fiiiiine. I'll go find a seat for myself..." The alchemist witch crossed her arms, before tossing them up in the air as she goes to find a seat.

The Black Witch opens their cloak up and stretches their arms forward. Beneath was... a fairly standard black shirt, complemented by a pair of black pants, which were then topped off with a pair of, you guessed it: black shoes.

He then proceeded to lazily have his seat on the stylish seat as the Brown Witch entered back into the room, pulling a stool along the floor.

"By the way, do you have a book on mythology?" spoke the man.

"Sorry, you're gonna have to make do with that book over there." She points to a red covered book on the bookcase. The Black Witch tries reaching for it first, before getting up, going over to the book and picking it up.

As the Black Witch sat down again, the Brown Witch gently pushed their stool closer to the fireplace before taking a seat herself.

"So... is the hint something about... Aha! Something about throwing your GUNS in the cauldron instead!"

"The hint is that I wont shoot you if you annoy me. That's only a thing you see in movies."

"Aw." The Brown Witch lowers their head. "Hey, remember when they were everywhere?"

"..." The Black Witch nods. "You only have theatres, do you?"

"Well, have you heard that there's like, a super advanced place far far beyond my house, beyond Pann Town? I think they may have reinvented movies there."

"Oh, the city?" The Black Witch surveyed for a window to look out from. He does find one, but it's starting to get too dark to see far away. "I live there, yes. Have you forgotten?"

"If I'll be honest, going from the city to Pann Town is... jarring. The firearms the folks around here use are similar to a M1 Garand or a musket." mused the Black Witch.

"Huh... What do you even do there for a living?" asks the Brown Witch, with a light of wonder in her eyes. She scratches the back of her head. "Sorry if I asked you this before, by the way... My memory's not been that good recently."

"Don't sweat it. Anyways..."

"I perform exorcisms and hunt down monsters. The former is what keeps me afloat, the latter is what I do to be able to afford necessities like ammunition or keeping my hat maintained."

"Though, hunting down monsters does wear down on my guns... So I suppose it's like a self-perpetuating cycle."

"Atleast I get some spare money out of the whole ordeal." The Black Witch sighs once again.

"You know, I can have you volunteer for my store!" perked up the Brown Witch. She smiles brightly.

"I live in the city, remember? It's a long trek from here to there. I just got here, and the sun's already setting."

"Oh, right..." The Brown Witch's smile fades.

"... Say, if I charged at you with my wand and with an explosive potion in hand, would you shoot me?"

"Is it premeditated?"

"What does that word mean...?"

"You planned this..." The Black Witch looks down for a moment in thought. "...imaginary attack on me. That's what it means."

"Hey, I still remember words of all kinds, you know?! What were you gonna say instead of 'imaginary attack'?"

"Hypothetical assault."

"Ehhh... It means the same thing, right?" The girl shrugs.

"Yes. Moving on, is it premeditated? Yes or no."

"Hm..." The Brown Witch thinks... "yes?" ...and she answers.

"Then I wouldn't shoot. Since you're aware I do have firearms on me and fight with them, I assume you have brewed a potion to increase your sturdiness, or even made a potion specifically to counter firearms."

"I'd cast some miracles, try and hold the line until your potions wear off. Then..."

The Brown Witch raises her fists, a smile forming across her face. Is this it? "Then...?!"

"I'd kick you in the stomach to stagger you, then knock you out with a slam to the head."

The girl's enthusiasm fades out like a flattening balloon. "Oh..."

"... So what if it wasn't premeditated, then?"

"Are you possessed in this scenario?"

"Yes!... WAIT-

"Too late." The Brown Witch can't see the Black Witch's face, but she can just FEEL a smirk underneath the darkness. She even can imagine him wagging a finger at JUST the precise speeds for a maximum amount of smugness to come through, too.

"So if you were possessed, I would simply try to restrain you first with a miracle, then exorcise you."

"Dammit!" The Brown Witch puffs up and crosses her arms.

"What if I wasn't possessed? What if I was doing this of my own free will?"

"Then I'd just restrain you."

"Well, what if I break free then?"

"I'd just restrain you again. And again."

"I'll keep you still, until you gave up."

"Oh! But wouldn't you not be able to restrain me all the time?"

"Well..."

"Ask yourself, Brown. Why am I so insistent on keeping you alive?"

The Brown Witch thought.

"... Because you're my friend?"

"Exactly."

She then thought once more. The feeling in the air starts to shift.

"... okay. What if I didn't want to be restrained anymore? What if I get tired of being restrained all the time, and start longing for a release?"

The Black Witch lowers his head.

"Hm."

"I'd release you, then. From the restraints, of course."

"..."

The gospel of the gunpowder raised their head towards the alchemist.

"And besides, we can't die, can we? We do have magic to preserve, and having our lives cut short would be a bother to that duty."

"You're just as important for me as Blue or Cyan, or any other of the Witches are."

"So thats why I will dodge anything you throw at me, block your swings and knock you out. Not only because it's useless to kill you, but also because I don't want to see you... die."

"Even if I know you'll come back..."

"How would I feel if I saw you struggling to live, gasping for air as you bled from the gunshot wound, feeling the heat of the bullet scorching it?"

"And then having you come back, as if nothing happened?"

"..."

"..."

“... Sorry. I guess... that was a little too serious for this. You just wanted to pass the time, and… Well, excuse me."

He gets up from his chair, preparing to leave. The Brown Witch sits up and...

gives the Black Witch a hug, wrapping her arms around his chest.

"... I'm glad we're still friends, after so long..."

The Black Witch pauses.

He then returns the hug, nodding in agreement.

Time felt nonexistent for this brief moment.

The Brown Witch lets go. "Were you about to leave?"

"Yes." The Black Witch nods, looking out of the window. It had already become nighttime... "I think I'll need some light, though."

"Oh, no! You can stay."

The Black Witch turned around.

"..." He considers...

"Sure, why not." shrugged the cloaked man. "I assume you have a second floor?"

"No, just an attic for storing ingredients. There is a mat there, though! Feel free to use it as you please~"

"Thank you." nodded the Black Witch.

"Nah, thank YOU for bothering to give me company! Anyways, I'll show you where it's at. Follow me!"

The Black Witch snickered and smiled in lightheartedness, before following the Brown Witch to the attic.

[=] And so ends a brief vignette of life between two immortal magicians. [=]